Diputsville--Ep4:Squirrels' Revenge
by Dude Jupiter
Summary: Sasami's little "pranks" have gone too far...


DISCLAIMER: me no own tenchi  
NOTES: Oh yaya! It's time for some payback.  
YES: no  
NO: yes  
OTHER: No little children were murdered in the writing of this story.  
  
DIPUTSVILLE  
by Dude Jupiter  
  
  
Episode 4: SQUIRRELS' REVENGE  
by Dude Jupiter  
  
  
  
Tenchi woke up with a nasty taste in his mouth. For a moment he wondered what tasted so   
dead in his mouth... Then he reached up and pulled the dead squirrel out of it. He looked at his   
ghost body; it was covered with squirrel blood.  
More night-time pranks. Sasami. Her pranks were quite monotonous, and they all involved   
dead squirrels, but she did them faithfully, every night. There was no way to prevent it; you would   
wake up and be greeted by dead squirrels.  
Tenchi opened his drawers and pulled out some clothes and a few dead, bloody squirrels   
fell out of his drawers. He went into the bathroom to take a shower. He turned on the shower and   
the water that came out was red. He looked up and, on the shower head, was a dead squirrel, its   
dripping blood pouring out into the water that was spraying out of the head.  
Tenchi sighed and kicked a few dead squirrels out of the way. He had almost stepped into   
the shower when he noticed that, in his soap's place, there sat a dead squirrel.  
*My gosh!* Tenchi thought to himself. *It's getting quite old! Sasami needs to find a better   
way to prank us. Simpler things, like shaving cream in our eyes, or pouring water on our beds in   
the night, or putting thumb tacks all over our beds during the night so when we roll over we get   
ourselves in loads of pain. But dead squirrels? Come on... joke's dead...*  
Tenchi showered (and discovered that his drain had been plugged up with a dead squirrel)   
and dried himself off with a towel that had dead squirrels sewed onto it. He sighed and dried   
himself. (Of course, everything else in getting ready for the day involved dead squirrels, but if I   
went on about it, you'd end up hating me... WAIT! Isn't that a good thing...? Oh well... I'm feeling   
gracious this afternoon, so I won't make you suffer.)  
Tenchi walked downstairs. Sasami was busily cooking breakfast (which, of course, was   
dead squirrels). She dished out her garbage and everyone started chowing down.  
While they were all happily munching, tenchi looked up and said, "Sasami, don't you think   
you're taking this dead squirrel thing a little too far?"  
"No way!" Sasami happily chirped. "Nothing makes my soul happier than to smash the   
brains out of a little innocent squirrel. I couldn't derive any more pleasure from it. It's one of the   
great things in life."  
"Oh," Tenchi replied. "What if, one day, the squirrels decide to fight back?"  
'Don't be stupid," Sasami yawned. "Are you possibly implying that those stupid little   
creatures have any intelligence whatsoever?!"  
"Uhm..." Tenchi did not respond. He guessed she was right.  
Far down in the center of the earth was a huge metal sphere. In this sphere was the hugest   
city ever to be established on earth. And it hadn't been built by humans or aliens or dogs or paper   
mache's or anything else... It had been built by squirrels.  
In this city were massive supercomputers, time travel machines, all sorts of wonders. There   
were machines that would simply boggle human brains. And were they built by humans? No.   
Aliens? No. Dogs? No. Paper mache's? No. Squirrels? Yes.  
Did Al Gore invent the internet? No.  
That day, in the city of Squirrelville, an emergency meeting was being held. Some of the   
greatest minds of Squirreldom had gathered to discuss a new and terrifying, but as yet unknown,   
enemy.  
After the problem was addressed, a squirrel named Shlude Shlupiter stood up. He said, "My   
preliminary hypothesis would consist of the thereoms that A) Our enemy is powerful. B) Our   
enemy has killed thousands of squirrels. C) One Sasami Masaki has been accused of killing many   
squirrels."  
"Are you implying that Sasami is the culprit?" the leader of the convention asked Shlude.  
"Affermative."  
"Very well," the leader said. "We must spy on this Sasami. We must see if she is the one   
who is doing this terrible thing to us. And if she is, then we must have her intestines for dental   
floss."  
"Yes," Shlude agreed.  
"Stupid Tenchi," Sasami giggled, far above Squirrelville. "You actually thought squirrels   
were intelligent?! That they could possibly have any idea who's killing all of them?!"  
Far below her, a squirrel general received the news.  
"Allright," he said into his tiny radio. "I got your orders. What? Skip the spying part and   
break into the house and attack immediately? ... But I thought... What? You've found all the proof   
you need? Allright... Okay! ...YES SIR! ATTACK SQUAD ON ITS WAY!"  
Far above the earth, Sasami was rolling on the floor in hysterical fits of laughter. "Squirrels   
having intelligence!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, my...! Smart squirrels...? HAHAHAHAA! Squirrels   
are so stupid!"  
"Please repeat that, ma'am?" came a small, squirrelly voice.  
"Squirrels," Sasami repeated, her voice torn apart in explosions of laughter. "Are soooo   
stup... stu... stuuu..." She lowered her gaze to the floor.  
There he was. Little squirrel dressed up in camo. Machine guns, grenades... the works.  
"Boo."  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Sasami screamed. "NASTY SQUIRREL!   
KILL KILL KILL!!!!"  
Sasami grabbed a sledge hammer which was behind the refrigerator (don't ask me what it's   
doing there!!). She ran over to the squirrel. The squirrel's eyes widened in horror. He lifted his   
machine gun, but the hammer came down.  
SQU---AAAAAT, *GLIIISHSHSHSHHHHHH* splerrrrgh---BLUDGE BLUDGE thlop 


End file.
